*This one is about a relationship with a woman that I had, as I saw it. It isn’t meant to hurt or cause problems, again just reflecting on my end of the relationship.*
A while ago I made friends with this girl, we will call her “Turquoise”. I mean no offense to calling her a girl by the way. Fact of the matter is, I would never cause her harm and would never intend on hurting her feelings.
We clicked. Very fast. To which we spent every day together. Every….day….
We called each other sisters but fact of the matter is I think there was more than that. I felt like I could tell her anything and everything. I felt a connection with her, that I have yet to feel with anyone one of the same sex.
She came into some money at one point and bought us stuff, and wanted to do for us, fact of the matter is, had I had it, I would have done the same for her. But it made me uncomfortable to a degree because I never wanted her to feel that I used her just for the money. But I know she was taken advantage of a lot and even though we started out friends without having money, I didn’t want her to think any other way.
We had a moment in the kitchen of her place at one point to where she confessed a dream about me. I tried like hell to avoid that part of her. I was scared and never wanted to admit the sexual side of her, being I was trying so hard to be “a sister”, trying to fill a void from a sister that I used to be close with.
Looking back I must have been so stupid. How did I not see what was there on my end, and what I thought might have been on her end? Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband more than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life. I love my man. My, man. 🙂
I think she was scared. I can’t blame her. She was and probably still is with this guy who I felt was a good guy, just wrong for who she was and wanted to be as a person. To have something like we had with someone of the same gender, can be frightening.
I borrowed money from her. A good bit. I paid all of it back but a $100. I didn’t pay it back as fast as I thought I was going to be able to, things at the moment started to change. But I think the money was just an excuse to what was really going on. The guy she is with, cares very much about money. I can’t fault him for it. He came from it, but had he not been involved with the money part of it, she probably would have cared a little less, but found another reason to start fussing over something that wasn’t the true reasons of her anger/anxiety, honestly I don’t know what to call it.
She started shutting me out. That hurt like you wouldn’t believe. Went from tagging me in everything on Facebook to not tagging me. To liking every picture of my daughter, to not liking a single one. From coming over every day to saying she was coming over and then just ignoring me. My god did it hurt….
That was it, we were done. It felt like I had gone through a break up. I got so depressed and so down. I know to anyone else you will be like, well for her to feel this way, she clearly doesn’t love her husband. I do. So much that it hurts. But as I said, he is the ONLY man for me. He’s is absolutely convinced that I am a lesbian and he is my bi-curious lol. And had my parent’s not stopped me from doing what I thought felt right when I was younger with that girl, who knows where I would be.
But I think at any point, I would have realized that Johnny is my one and only and either way, I was going to be in love with him.
I tried to talk to her again, she was different. She started blaming me for trying to ruin her life and she wasn’t going to school because of me. Fact of the matter is, I know how much she wanted to go to school. I never asked her to do what she did, she choose to because I felt like she was trying to find out who she was. Either way, I would have supported her no matter what she wanted to do and kept loving her and being there for her. Provided Turquoise was truly happy.
I wanted her to move in with us. In a non sexual way, or a non romantic way, I just wanted her to see who she could be and feel free to do that.
When I was talking to her again, I realized that she was being who she thought she needed to be. Doing what she thought she needed to do. And that I was no longer a part of that and in order for her to have the life she felt she had to have, I couldn’t be a part of that.
No matter how much you love someone, in the end, all you want is for them to be happy….
Even if you aren’t a part of that. Even if it hurts.
I miss Turquoise… Looking back with being able to separate things, I realized how I felt and what we had. I miss it. I miss her so fucking much sometimes.
I started this job to where I met this girl and her and I pretty much clicked from the start. But how I feel about her is so different from how I felt about Turquoise. So different. This girl now is just a pain in the ass sister who although pisses me off from time to time, is a friend lol. I get on her nerves, she gets on mine, but we love that about each other and it works.
I regret so much when it comes to Turquoise. And there is so much that I would do different if I could. But life’s a lessson right? You learn, you move on.
Just not sure if I’ll ever get another one like her. Then again I’m not sure I want another one like her.
If for some freak of chance she reads this, just know that I still wish only the best for you and I do still love you. I’ve never talked ill of you and I’ve never told anyone anything you have ever told me.
I hope you are so incredibly happy, hun.