Jealousy in the Swinging Lifestyle

h45BE7D02Dear Bane,

My Wife and I have been in the lifestyle for a few months, but occasionally she has issues with jealousy. Namely, she has specific issues with me going ahead and having sex with someone in another room separate from her. Is there any way we can nip this in the bud, because sans this particular issue, we have a great time in the lifestyle.

“Bob” [Name changed]

Well, Bob… First, stop calling it “the lifestyle” in your dealings with me. That’s a stupid label and an easy way to get your email disregarded. Why label this way of living? It simply is what it is.


Anyway, jealousy is a hurdle that every swinging couple has to jump over at one point or another. Jealousy I refer to as a monster. It the monster that peeks out at the most weakest of circumstances. This monster is easily tamed however, provided you are able to communicate your desires and issues to your partner. As always, mutual understanding is key.

So, communication first. A decent (but extreme) example of this is a couple I hung out with a few times in Florida. Went to a party and things started happening, then the male of the couple took the penis of another dude into his mouth and started doing his thing. The wife, never knowing this was something he wanted to do, was astonished and this led to a scene. She immediately became jealous and as a result she to this day has troubles reconciling her jealousy within her and her husband’s sex life. Had they communicated the issues beforehand, I guarantee things would have gone quite differently.

That being, said you need to communicate your desires beforehand and really discuss them. The idea of having sex in separate rooms may be one of her hard limits. Sometimes things are simply the way they are. When my wife and I first started out, this was one of our hard limits. We decided this was something we wanted to do with each other, so we made this a thing.

One day she talked to me about going into separate rooms and I agreed. She went into another room with another couple and I had fun with a lovely redhead. I was a bit bummed because I didn’t get to watch her (I love watching my wife in any respect), but she had fun, I had fun and we got to reveal things to each other at our post-session coffee shop stop.

Being a non-monogamous couple means being very specific about your desires and what you hope to get out of the swinging field. It means realizing that you are very distinct entities with their own sexual needs. It means communicating those needs in an adult manner and dealing with the fallout as adults.

Jealousy is a bitch, sir. All I can say is that with a little bit of planning and foresight, you can easily avoid it. Try approaching her about her issues and addressing them one by one. Maybe right before the sexual encounter, a bit of alcohol might help loosen up inhibitions. If you involve alcohol, be honest about why you’re advocating it. Honesty, compassion and communication. No other field of human interaction will stress these things more than “the lifestyle”.

Just talk. When you’re done talking, talk more.

Good luck man. Let me know how it goes.


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