For the past 10 months or so, I have been on a mission to become a person that is better than the dude sitting in front of my computer 10 months ago. On the whole, I think I’ve succeeded pretty well. Some areas I need to work on, of course. But, that’s the ongoing revision of being a human being.
The latest part of my evolution is the whittling down the extra shit and people in my life to be left with only the barest essentials to ensure that my life is as simplistic as possible. Unfortunately, this involves some family members who are detrimental to my existence. As painful as it was (and is), it is nonetheless a vital part of my “rebirth”, as I coin it.
The next evolution is something a bit different; the reconciliation of my past. Back before I had my suicide attempt in July of 2007, I was a pretty fucked up person. I told lies to make myself seem bigger and better than I was, I didn’t really have anything resembling hope and in general just acted like a raging dickhead devoid of any kind of morality. After I woke up from my “coma” (apparently I was dead for a minute or so, at least that’s what the attending physician told me), I wish I could say that I awoke a completely different person. It really took the better part of a few days until I realized the changes that the attempt had made on me. It took even longer for the changes to manifest themselves on any real equitable level.
When the changes finally took effect, I was a completely different person. I ended up looking at everything differently. I started to see the world, not as an arena to destroy everything that was placed in front of me in the most indiscriminate manner possible, but a garden in which only the aesthetic laws applied and where every single flower had a unique and distinct aroma and color. I started to see life as the gift it is, not the burden I thought it was. The sounds, flavors, colors and essences of life permeated me, and made me into more myself. The fleshy person of parts and matter I had always been, was now the person staring me in the mirror. There was still, sitting on my shoulder, that demon of the past.
Recently, I was reminded about something I had done, that I didn’t even remember. I felt more shame than I had in recent times and it caused a shift in my emotional paradigm that I’m still recovering from. I wish it was enough to say that the past was the past and to just let it go, but when you’ve hurt people, this isn’t really too much of an option. And hurt people I have.
There is the AA’s method of making amends and such, but I don’t really feel that this method is best for everything I’ve done. For some things, there simply aren’t enough apologies. So, I won’t endeavor. However, the things that I can set right, I at least want to make the attempt to do so. For the rest of those things, there is the age old method of letting go.
All I can say is that I am where I am based on the decisions I’ve made, the feelings I’ve hurt, the people I’ve harmed, the lives I’ve touched and the road that lies behind me. I did it all. Some of it I wasn’t solely to blame, but taking responsibility for your actions is the first step to realizing your potential as a human. The realization that we are all connected and that the flap of butterfly wings in Chicago, might trigger a hurricane in Florida.
To those I have hurt, I am deeply sorry. All I can do as a person is try to make sense of everything and make my life better. If there is anything I can do to try and repair some of the damage I have done, I would hope that you would let me know.