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Control. Deny. Erase. Repeat.

Control. Some people have it, others willingly give theirs up to someone else. Recently, I came across a situation that I never thought I would have to face. A friend that I have had for YEARS, literally for about 16 years, has stopped all overt means of communication to me, and only was “allowed” to contact me via email. In short, I would have been a secret friend.

16 years of history, gone down the shitter because of a jealous fiancee. The reason? If I rolled through town, she would be obliged to cheat on her fiancee with me. I don’t think you really have to bend your mind to know my feelings on this.

First, I despise secrecy. If I can’t be your friend in the light of day, I don’t want to be your friend in the shadows. The reality is that I am too loyal of a person to be simply tossed aside when someone can’t handle my relationship.

Second, I’m an honorable person. I don’t sleep with women with relationships that do not allow for non-monogamy. Not only that, but I won’t speak ill of anyone I don’t really know. Implying that my morals are somehow non-existent is an extreme insult to me. Not only that, but one would think that cheating involves two people to make the same decision. Since I would not, he has nothing to fear. Except that insecure people ALWAYS have something to fear. I’m not insulting him, I’m simply making an observation.

To willingly cede control of your life to someone else is an abomination that I can’t even begin to understand. I don’t ever want to either. If you’re going to marry someone, and let them control who you can and can’t speak to, you’re not in a relationship, you’re being controlled. You either accept who someone is and who they choose to associate with, or you don’t.

My only consolation? The fact that eventually this relationship of hers will end, and she can be my friend again. At this point though, I’m extremely hurt and don’t even know if I would have the grace to invite her back into my life with open arms.

Time will tell, I suppose. But, if she reads this…

I miss you.

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