It’s been about 2 weeks since my last blog post, and really for no other reason that I’ve been busy. I’ve been taking care of my daughter and working on a few projects, while trying to find some kind of way to improve things in my life every day. Today it’s my mental state, as I’ve been slightly headfucked as of late. No big deal, just some internal shit I’m working on, essentially the ongoing revisionism of life. In that same vein, I’d like to talk about something I call the “inertia of destiny”. I don’t even believe in “destiny” in the sense of an inevitable end result of your life. I mean it in the sense of the end result of your life that is essentially what YOU make of it.
However, I am one of those who believe that every once in a while destiny needs a bit of help and the universe steps in to this function. Being an atheist, I realize what this sounds like. It sounds like I’m referring to some kind of naturalistic God that steps in and helps when you need it.
Not the case.
When I was with my ex-girlfriend Michelle, I was miserable in that winter of 2006 when we moved to Butler, PA. I was kind of suicidal. Seriously, I didn’t show it, but every waking thought was devoted to just snuffing it. Just when I needed someone, I met Donna. I needed someone who was just as damaged as me to let me know that it was okay to not have a perfect life. When I was in the same situation in late 2007, I needed someone, and I met Starke. He helped me rediscover the side of me that didn’t give a fuck anymore. Eventually, because of these two people, I got out of my suicide cycle and reentered my life full force.
The universe put these people in front of me and trusted me to recognize them for what they were. I realize that I’m personifying this universal force, but I really believe that it has something to do with attraction. The universe has always put things in front of me that would be useful and that would enhance my life, if I recognized them for what they were. My theory is, when I needed something, I attracted it, and it came to me, or let me recognize the elements that were already present in my life.
A few months ago, Donna was irritated that the quality of people around our area was so low that she didn’t think she would ever find a female friend that she could give a shit about. Then she met Crystal. Crystal is now Donna’s best friend and Donna’s life is so much better for it. Anything that is good for Donna is good for our marriage, so I’m grateful. Not to mention that she’s an absolute sweetheart whom I’ve grown quite attached to, and who I find enhances my existence in a way that not many people do.
But, the reality is when Donna needed her, the universe put the two of them together and they eventually recognized each other for what they were, missing pieces of the same puzzle. Every day they’re together, they each discover something new about themselves and each other. It is a remarkable and immensely beautiful thing to see.
I suppose the general thesis of this musing is, allow life to flow. What you need will be put in front of you, all you need to do is recognize it. The people you will grow to love will be in front of you, eventually. The things that will happen to you will possibly be the blessings in disguise you’re looking for, and maybe, when you think you’re in the wrong place, maybe you are EXACTLY where you need to be…
Just because you’re losing, doesn’t mean you’re lost.