So Michael Douglass is in the news about having cancer or something or other. I don’t really care, because I don’t give too much of a shit about Michael Douglass. A mediocre actor with a hot wife doesn’t rank very high on my list of importance. Having said that, it did bring the whole “throat cancer due to HPV infection via oral sex” topic to the forefront of my conversations with my wife. One of my exes had HPV and while both me and my wife had been tested (both of us having an intimate relationship with her) neither of us had it and we just dealt with it based on those findings.
But, then I started thinking about one tweet I saw this morning which basically said “Throat cancer is a small price to pay to eat out Catherine Zeta-Jones’ vagina.” I’m sure this isn’t going to win me any friends or anything, but here goes.
In my lifetime, I have had my lips on more vaginas than I care to count. If I ended up contracting cancer tomorrow as a result of this, I would consider my life to have been well lived and I would accept my fate with a smile and reminiscences of the orgasms that I have dispensed. Think of me as an orgasmic PEZ dispenser. I suppose that I look at it as a hazard that comes with sexual activity. Granted, STD’s can also occur in such an environment, but adequate protection can be taken in any circumstance. (I take this subject seriously enough to include an appendix on STD’s and safe sex in my upcoming book, “Ladies First”.)
Granted, I think there should be an attempt to stave off illness period, but due to the remote possibility of contracting cancer from oral sex, I’m not sure how extreme I willing to go to protect myself from it. Sex in a condom for example is no big deal to me and to be honest, it cuts off 10% of the sensitivity so that I last longer in the first place, so I’m a happy guy. So, as far as protection from most STD’s I’m taken care of, not to mention regular testing for myself and my wife and other sexual partners.
However, performing oral sex with a dental dam, just seems to me the equivalent of wearing a surgical mask to work because you don’t want to catch cold. It seems to be a bit overkill to me. Likewise oral sex with a condom. I’m fully open to the idea that I might not have the proper perspective in this issue and I welcome comments and links to studies about this, but in my experience I have never ONCE been privy to a case of throat (or any cancer) being linked to oral sexual behavior. I mean if you’re a sex worker or porn actress, yeah it makes sense. The amount of **AHEM** questionable clients they must see per day would make protection with ALL sexual acts mandatory. But, for those whose lifetime partner count is in the low teens, is its really a necessity?
I suppose my biggest issue with the notion, is that I’m a bit bothered about the terror that the word “cancer” has been allowed to acquire. It seems that there are other diseases that can kill with far greater efficiency than cancer and yet cancer is the disease that gets top billing. Cancer like anything else, will yield to reason and science just as well as any other disease will, and I suppose that the opinion remains that if one was going to contract cancer by oral sexual means, then cancer was going to manifest itself anyway.
I’ve known people who have contracted HIV and AIDS from sexual behavior, I’ve known people who have contracted other diseases via sexual behavior, but cancer? Not a one. I’m not saying that it doesn’t exist, or that it doesn’t happen, but it is completely contrary to my experiences, and considering the pubic count I have amassed in 32 years, in addition to the sexuality of the friends I have gathered over my lifetime (suspect at best, I have to say), I would think I would have ran across someone fitting this issue.
Not the case.
This issue hasn’t made me reconsider my positions on oral sex, but it has made me aware of the remote possibility of contracting cancer from it. Personally, the day where I can’t give oral sex to my wife or one of my partners, I want someone to shoot me in the face. At that point my life will be over. Seriously.
I suppose the only thing I could say to people reading this, is; get tested regularly and practice safe sex. Safe sex, to my mind means “the practice of measures designed to reduce the possibility of STIs to at the very least a manageable or remote probability.” I’m not sure whether or not the dental dam thing qualifies as safe sex, so much as safe sex overkill. I don’t know. I despair of knowing, honestly. I do know that my sex life is highly regulated, in terms of safety, and I make sure that the my partners are able to prove their freedom from disease.
I’m not expecting anyone to follow my ideas on safe oral sex, namely that I have none, and have always regarded oral as a safe activity. I suppose I wrote this to codify my opinions on the subject. Anyone with some varying opinions I would love to chat with. I just think at this point it is anywhere enough near the possibility of happening, that I would take suitable precautions against it.