I Hate John Boehner

“Well gee, did I say something stupid again? Well, no one pays attention to facts anyway…”

Warning: this will be graphic and patently offensive!!!!

Every time I see John Boehner’s picture with those beady eyes and douchey stupid face, I imagine the following scene…

I imagine taking a day trip to the Washington capital building where the House is in session. I imagine strolling up to the front where he is standing there talking about some Obama hating, right-wing fearmongering bullshit, because presumably that’s what republicans pay him for, and for the reasons of my being awesome, no one stops me. No one even questions me.

The room goes quiet, including Boehner as he realizes that a motherfucking shit storm is coming his way with a bald head, tattoos, piercings and an angry fucking face. I stand in front of him and ask him if he’s ready.

He says, “Ready for what, citizen?”

And while he’s on the final syllable of “citizen”, I full on fuck him in the ass. Not in the “Brokeback Mountain” love scene way, but in a full on “I want to watch you re-chew the shit that was in your colon” way. Then 20 seconds before I get ready, I pull out, stick my dick in a Checkers cheeseburger, pull it back out, then stuff it down his tea-party throat while humming “The Star Spangled Banner” like an Inuit Throat Singer.

Then Ted Nugent comes into the Capitol building all like, “I’ll save you baby!!!” So I take the gavel that was on the bench and throw it at Ted’s head and it knocks his ass out cold. Somewhere, the opening riff of “Cat Scratch Fever” sounds gloriously. Then I grab him by the ankles and proceed to beat Boehner with Ted Nugent unconscious body, using him as a croquet mallet.

I then place him and the Nuge in sexually suggestive poses and take pictures to display on my website. But, I’m not done yet. God himself comes down in a display of grandeur which has me thinking, “Oh shit, I was wrong about the whole atheism thing. I am so beyond fucked, I wouldn’t know fucked when I passed it.” But, then God comes to me and he’s like, “Hey Bane, well done.”

And I’m like, “You’re okay with this?”

And He says, “Absolutely. I fucking hate these two.”

And it’s right then that Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, Mitch McConnel, Todd Aiken come in the building. The rest of the representatives realize, “Oh hell minorities, shit’s on…” And they go to one side or the other. The doors open again and Mitt Romney comes to the front of the gang with a “Jesus is my Homeboy” hat, flanked by Sarah Palin. God then looks at Mitt and says, “GET THAT HAT OFF YOU CHARLATAN!!!”

Sarah then says, “Hey, you can’t talk back to Mitt Romney, dontcha know?” But the last word doesn’t get heard because Romney bitch slaps her for speaking in front of men.

For a split second, I think I’m going to go down, when God looks at me and says, “Let’s do this shit.” I am now Maximus, citizen to a raped country, mocker of a faceless party, and I will have my revenge, right fucking now.

So God and I stride towards the fearsome 6, blades drawn, shouting our battle cry!!! When all of a sudden, I stop and say “Hey wait a minute!!!” And they do. I walk up to Romney and say, “There’s no reason for us to fight, we can all get together and really make things right for a change!” I go and help up Boehner and Nugent and bring them to the rest of the group apologizing profusely for my aggression. Then out of the woodwork comes the rest of the republican party. Glenn Beck, O’Reilly, Hannity, Chuck Norris, Rupert Murdoch, EVERY Republican. And I make an impassioned speech about the sanctity of the American 2 party system. Glenn Beck cries, O’Reilly dances Snoopy style and everyone starts dancing to the Peanuts theme song.

Then God looks at me and says, “My son, why have you forsaken me?” And I smile, opening my shirt to reveal a 50 megaton hydrogen bomb.

“God, quickly!!!” And God takes everyone who isn’t republican and moves them to minimum safe distance while I jedi-lock the doors.

Boehner looks at me in his last 10 seconds dumbfounded, and I say, “I. LOVE. Chocolate. Milk.” And the rest of the republicans stare confused at my using my last breath to proclaim my love for chocolate milk, as the bomb detonates, destroying the republican leadership and half of Washington.

I’m surrounded by a brilliant white light. God stands in front of me. He says, “Bane, I’m sending you back.”

I’m all like, “Not that I mind God, but why?”

He says, “Because you have more work to do.”

I say, “I just took out the republican party, what more danger is there to America?”

God gets very close and says, “The cast of Jersey Shore. I fucking HATE that show.” Then somehow I end up back into the time that men call real, with a Churro in my hand, which I eat. As I take a bite, I realize that my hand still smells like shit. I finish the Churro in manly fashion.


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