I’m an asshole. I’m the first person to admit this, and it’s usually not because it’s fashionable these days. Now this doesn’t mean that I say witty things and throw someone under the bus for a laugh, though I do this. This doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with your girlfriend or wife out of spite, though I have done this. This means that I had to inconvenience a lot of people to get to the head space I’m currently in.
The amount I’ve gained, is immeasurable. The amount I’ve lost is equally uncountable. I’ve lost a girlfriend and 2 children due to dishonesty (among other things), and I’ve been alienated from my family because of the fact that quite simply, I’m not the pragmatic, focused, illusory image of a brother, son and relative that everyone wanted me to be.
But, I’ve gained experiences most have never had. I have a self confidence that borders on sociopathic narcissism. And I have a strength and tenacity that none of you could ever begin to touch.
Regardless, I’ve ALWAYS gone my own way, even at the expense of my sanity.
Through it all, I’ve never once pointed a finger, never once showed my true feelings, never once betraying the fact that just beneath the surface of my face, I have a white hot contempt for everything that I ever came from that borders on maniacal hate. And this hate serves me quite well. When someone points their finger at me and says, “You are the reason things are this way”, I smile.
Why the anger?
Because I’ve been hearing a few people talking shit about me. These are people I loved, people I respected at one point or another. What amuses me about the entire thing is that when people talk, they assume that it never gets back to me. They assume I never hear about what they say about me, and my wife, and my child. And they assume that they’ll never have to face me for what they say.
They never realize that I’m always listening. Even when it looks like I’m not listening, I’m listening. And I remember…
I dig, and I discover. The pieces are in place and everything lies in wait. I have plenty of reasons to fuck with people. The problem is, I’m fast running out of reasons not to.
The reality is something I figured out LONG ago.
Just because you’re blood, doesn’t make you family. You EARN membership in that club. And even if you do, just because you’re family, doesn’t mean you’re right for my life.
I’m an asshole, and a bastard. Please, don’t make me prove it.