I Am Better Than Your Children

Last night, a municipal building had a Halloween thingy for the local kids. I went there right after having watched Halloween with my wife about 3 sheets to the wind, and some anxiety medication in me. Good times. I would have taken pictures, but apparently it was not allowed. Something about pedophiles and such. Whatever. None of them had interesting costumes anyway.
Johnathan Bane

You should be beaten with the proto-Snookie. I think it’s time to leave before I start kicking children’s shins…

I stand there in a Slipknot shirt and the kid is pissed I didn’t know he was Soulja Boy. I’ll just pause while you guess his IQ. #negatives


A kid is dressed up as Ludacris or Jay-Z. I don’t really know which, but I clutch my car keys tighter.

A kid in full armor says he’s a Level 12 Fighter. I ask him 3.5 or 4th edition? He says 4th. I ignore him.

Your kid is a douche and looks nothing like your husband. He does however look like he’ll be living with you for a LONG time playing WOW.

Your mom is pretending to be Katy Perry and your costume sucks. Thus, your mom must kill you with a salad fork to curry my favor.

You’re either a Pikachu or a canary that’s about to explode.#hopingforthecanary

Wearing a football uniform. Nothing says, “Bane, please tackle me and hit me with a brick” quite like it…

Okay. Kid in a Monty Python Black Knight costume. This kid gets it.#awesomekid

Yes, I’m making fun of your child online. You can see my critique of your photograph ruiner at my twitter feed. @savrasbane#isaywhatyouwont

I look at your batman costume and I doubt I could eat the amount I want to vomit. #christianbalewouldbeashamed

I got news for you Freckles, ninjas aren’t round. You’re a failure in life and this will not change.

To the Snookie-proto-whore: “I’M GLAD YOUR HOME IS UNDER WATER!!!” #sandytakingoutthetrash

Really? I didn’t know Wonder Woman was supposed to be dressed like a Bowery prostitute. #themoreyouknow

Yes, I’m judging your child. And by association, you as well. Good thing your breasts have landed you a loaded husband.#ilovegeneralizing

You are wearing a Snookie outfit. And I want you beaten. These 2 things are related. And you’re 13. You should be beaten. Thrice. #wtf

Yes dear. Be proud of the costume you bought your kid from Wal-Mart. Kids have no originality these days.#futurehomelessmanhaveabonbon

If you dressed any sluttier tonight, I would assume it was Christmas.#ilovehalloween

Hello Captain Random! Did that costume come with a free pillow to cry into when you realize you’re alone and your life sucks?#examineurlife


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