The first time I ever remember sitting in front of the TV was with Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. I had the opening crawl memorized and had a ESB pillowcase with Carrie Fisher (pre-Vicodin binge) smiling at me all sexy like.
So here I am now, 15 minutes ago, compiling material for a Star Wars Saga Edition roleplaying game, that I was going to run online when a Facebook posting from my brother caught my eye.
Dear God no…
Oh MOTHER FUCK NO!!!!!!
Disney, has bought out Lucasfilm and is releasing a new Star Wars film…
Let me calm down… Oh mother FUCK let me calm down… And yes I realize that Eisner isn’t employed by Disney anymore.
You guys fuck the Muppets, and I sit by.
You guys fuck MARVEL COMICS… and I sit by…
And you expect me to sit idly by as my favorite childhood obsession is getting fucked in the ass by an asshole in mouse ears while George Lucas sits by and watches? ARE YOU FUCKIING KIDDING ME?!?!?!??!
I need to get centered…
Okay, I’m better.
If I hear someone who says this is a good thing, I’m going to gun-butt them with a fucking blaster and fire it with the muzzle up their asshole. Lucas, what the hell are you thinking? This is like handing the creative reins to the Saw film series to a retarded child. I mean, Jesus mother fucking tapdancing Christ on a goddamned rubber crutch!!!! Do you have your head up your ass when you saw the Muppets? It sucked shit through a straw! I wouldn’t even pirate that piece of shit!
Maybe I shouldn’t be so angry, because it’s like I’m trash-talking the only thing I have in my life that comes close to being God to me, but what the fuck man?!?!! Maybe I’m the only one who thinks that this is the worst idea since establishing the New Jedi Academy on Yavin 4, but for a company that has ruined Marvel Comics, the Muppets and soon to be YOUR franchise, what was your basis for confidence. Did one of the execs from Disney just come in and shit on the floor? Is that all they needed to do to inspire your confidence?
George, I love you. Seriously. You made my childhood awesome despite some seriously fucked up shit. Everything since American Graffiti has been absolutely awesome and I wouldn’t have traded any of it for the world. But, this is a betrayal of everything that Star Wars, as a story and an idea has stood for.
You have betrayed the Rebel Alliance to the Empire.
Of course I’m going to see the new movies (yes they’re planning 3 new ones), after all I was always up for a nice train wreck or two, but let me go to one them and see some douche-wrinkle a Jedi outfit with mouse ears. I guarantee there wont be enough bacta to repair the damages I’ll inflict on that decrepit piece of bantha poodoo… I’ll take a sharpened lightsaber chopstick that my wife uses for a hair accessory and slice him open and crawl inside him for warmth like Han did to that fucking Tauntaun while I’m eating my popcorn.
Damn George. I never thought I could be disappointed by you. I never thought you would let me down.
The new Emperor has mouse ears, and it’s YOUR fault.