Politics and Religion, I’ll Punch You…

(This is satire/humor. I will not hit anyone unless I am hit first.)

I’m so sick of people who mix religion and politics.

Ever want to punch someone in the face? Just a full out, fuckin’ haymaker, “you’re unborn children are going to feel this” roundhouse punch to the soup cooler? 

Right now, I DO. However the people I want to punch in the face are not the idiots that let their religious beliefs cloud their judgment, its the idiots that let their religious beliefs cloud their judgment and insist that I follow the way THEY live. These people need their asses kicked. I‘m so sick of people who believe in imaginary friends telling me that I’m wrong because I don’t follow their moral code. If binge drinking and making an ass of myself is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. Fuck you, your god and your bible.

You know when I was a kid, and I was acting like a dickhead, my Dad kicked my ass and straightened me out. It was his way of saying, “Don’t be an obnoxious fucking pissant, or you’ll get your ass beat.” This usually had the effect of me behaving in angelic fashion, for at least a few minutes anyway. At least until I was around my friends again. Then we would go up and down the main street in my hometown having sex with the stray animals. It’s not rape if all they can say is “woof”. I’m just kidding, the animals weren’t stray.


My family was religious (kind of), and now that adulthood has set in to my family, some of them are even more so. Which is fine, I get it. Some walk on their own, some need a crutch, and religion is a pretty serious disability, so I get it. Far be it from me to pick on the retarded kid, but in the same way I won’t lets a kid with Down’s convince me that leaving a slug trail of drool behind him is a sign of his uniqueness, I won’t let religious folks tell me how to live my life. Making people and kittens slip behind you doesn’t make you unique, it makes you a photograph ruiner. Judging me for doing what I want to do makes you a douche.

If you’re trying to legislate your biblical views, then guess what?

You’re an asshole.

The following are things that I would love to deal out a punch to the face about;

  • Gay rights? If you’re against this, I want to punch you in the face.
  • Prayer in schools? If you’re for this, I want to punch you in the face.
  • Creationism being taught in schools? If you’re for this, I want to punch you in the face.
  • Family Planning and Planned Parenthood? If you’re against this, I want to punch you in the face.
  • Abortion? If you’re against letting women have the choice, I want to punch you in the face.

I could go on, but I think you see the point. Agree, disagree, I don’t care. If you disagree with me, it just simply means that you’re wrong. No one has any right to make decisions for someone else. I wouldn’t make them for YOU, have the courtesy to not make them for ME.

Or, I’ll punch you in the face.

 (Note: In place of a punch to the face, I may, at my discretion, substitute any of these objects to hit you with, depending on the severity of my rage.)

  •  My car
  • your car
  • a rake
  • a hoe
  • a weed-whacker (any gardening implement)
  • a hockey stick
  • a midget
  • someone nearby who has committed a similar atrocity
  • a fly swatter
  • my daughter
  • a steel chair
  • a wooden chair
  • a plastic chair
  • a chair made from children’s tears and Popsicle sticks
  • my fist
  • my foot
  • my knee
  • my elbow
  • my head
  • my penis
  • my right testicle
  • my left testicle
  • your fist
  • your foot
  • your knee
  • your elbow
  • a shelf
  • a wrench
  • a hammer
  • a tack hammer
  • a sack of nickels
  • a sack of quarters
  • a sack of pennies (never mind that, pennies are worthless)
  • my dog
  • your dog
  • the entire cast of Glee…

2 thoughts on “Politics and Religion, I’ll Punch You…

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