YOLO-tards and Career Victims

Eventually, there will come a time where I go to jail for beating the shit out of someone. It’s inevitable. There are just too many annoying mother fuckers out there with no concept of reality.

On my list of people who I’d like to leave bleeding next to a hooker’s bedside, are people who say YOLO and MEAN IT. This piece of acronymic shit stands for “You Only live Once”, in case you have been lucky enough to not know anyone to use this like it’s some kind of psuedo-religious statement.

Thank you retards, for realizing what everyone else who doesn’t have their head up their ass already knew; that you should cherish your life and every lttle experience you have. And women, thank you for using that phrase because most of you feel it gives you a moral license to be slutty. Most of you arleady HAVE that condition, and now you have areason to flaunt it. And I salute you, but don’t expect me to applaud your whoreish ethics in the morning. In fact, being thrown out of my apartment at 3am sans clothing is just one more experience you can add to your new hipster credo.

Hobo: “Hey did you just get thrown out of a bald guy’s apartment?”

You: “Well you know, YOLO.”

Die in a fire.

The funny thing about this? I see a lot of Christians use this phrase. Hey fuckwads, according to your religion “You Only Live Twice”… But, YOLT doesn’t make a good tramp stamp for your latest fuck buddy to stare at while he’s aggressively humping the absolute shit out of your poop chute.

What’s even further enraging are those dumbasses who use it as an adjective. They try crack for the first time after having a migrant worker gang-bang and they look to their friend who was taping it for lonelywhores.com, and say “Wow, that was so YOLO.” I hope you get stabbed with a pencil that has AIDS on the tip.

The actual people who are living their lives like they only live once don’t have time to package the ethic in a cute little catch phrase that stupid hipsters and tweens can put onto a shirt that Hot Topic will sell for $40, so underage girls can advertise which one of them takes it in the dirty spot by the entire JV football team. Not everything needs marketing, you fucking idiots.

The same goes for “Swag”. Again, die in a fire.

Also on my list of people who should be smothered with honey, duct taped to an angry beehive and thrown down a flight of stairs are the “career victims” who gauge their lives based on what they overcome. Some chick who gets the shit beat out of her by 12 different boyfriends in sequence is not worthy of being looked at as courageous. It doesn’t take much courage to get the shit beat out of you by 12 different people, it takes poor decisions and a dumb woman who decides to stand still when a dude throws a punch.

“Pity me, I have 3 failed relationships but somehow I’ll get through this and be stronger! HURR DURR”

Apparently no one looks at themselves and says, “The only common problem in these 3 failed relationships is ME.” Guess what? EVERYONE has had failed relationships, that’s part of life. Failing. You learn, you try again. But, people insist that the more times you fail, the stronger you become. This is partially true, but the more you fail, the more you’re clearly not learning the lessons of your previous fuck ups. So, saying that you’ll overcome failure is basically saying that your too fucking stupid to eventually learn to avoid the failure in the first place.

Everyone goes through hard times. Stop pretending you’re somehow standing out from the crowd because you have a kid and your boyfriend left you, or because you keep getting lung cancer because you won’t stop smoking. Get the fuck over yourself. You have a kid, you have a roof over your head and you have an internet connection to bore your friends with your stories of pseudo-accomplishment and the indomitable spirit you have until confronted with a REAL problem. Thus, you are already doing better than the 80% of the world who have to struggle to stay alive.

That which doesn’t kill you, pisses me off because I wish it did, and you know…. Yolo…


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