Girlfriend Application

All applications must include at least 3 photos. 1 must be nude(ish). To be considered, this application must be filled out in full and included with the appropriate references. Completion of application does not constitute a legal agreement, bargain or contract. Completion does not guarantee acceptance.

You may submit this application by email at

The Basics


Nickname you want me to call you when I pull your hair (which I may just ignore and substitute “bitch” for anyway)?

Are you a real female (post-ops are okay)?

Are you of legal age and have a driver’s license to prove this?

Location (city, state, zip/postal code):

Are you stupid?

Do your friends think you’re stupid?

I’ll ask again, are you stupid?

What is the number of men you’ve slept with?

What is the ACTUAL number of men you’ve slept with?

What is the number of women you’ve slept with?

Tattoos/Piercings (where and how many)?

Do you smoke cigarettes?

Are you or have you been in college?

If so, what did you major in (PoliSci majors need not apply)?

Would you classify yourself as a feminist?


Are there areas of your body that you don’t shave?

Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman?

Name 5 bands/groups/singers that are in your mp3 player:

Why do you want to be my “girlfriend”?

What special skills do you have, that I should consider?

Rate yourself from 1 to 10 (be honest, I will be):

Do you have semi-attractive female friends that could engage in carnal activities with us (please include pictures or links)?

Do you have a problem with head?

Provide a list of sexual acitivities you will NOT perform:





What are the names and locations of ex-boyfriends/husbands, as well as their “psychotic/not psychotic” status?

Name                                    Location                           Psychotic/Not Psychotic





By submitting this application you understand that you will never be any higher than the 3rd priority in my life as the needs of my wife and child come before yours.

Hopefuls will be put in front of the Bane Tribunal, consisting of myself, my wife and a friend of mine. All three must give a YES for you to be considered for field testing.

Final approval for the status of “girlfriend” will be given in a formal ceremony involving bloodletting and a poodle.

Good luck!


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