Fucking Up and Making It Right

screamingIf you live long enough, you’ll find that you’ve hurt someone important to you. You may have done it purposely, you may have done it in reaction to some perceived insult, you may have done it inadvertently. You may even be doing it right now as I write this. The important thing is to apologize, and try to make it right. If you can’t make it right, then at least apologize. An apology may mean something to them, it might not.

Often we don’t take the time to think when we do things. We don’t consider the effect they have on others. Once in a while you’ll find out that something you said or have done in anger will be the catalyst for things never being the same again. You’ll fuck up and you’ll never be able to forgive yourself. Sometimes they won’t forgive you, and you’ll never get a chance to make things right. You’ll die a little inside, and you’ll never be able to get that piece of your heart back.

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Star Wars – A New Sith Lord

The ship eased out of imageshyperspace on the far side of Hutt Space in the Outer Rim. Ahead lay Nar Shadaa, and Nal Hutta glinting like brown and blue pearls in reflective starlight…

…and the prize one of them held.

The Force shall free me…

Jedi Knight Kel Sorran peered out of the viewport as the mottled stars became points of light floating before him. Letting out a deep breath, he keyed his communicator and entered his encryption code. If he sent a transmission so close to his objective unencrypted, his master would be quite displeased.

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Open Letter

My name is Donna. I’m a 30 year old woman who is happily married to an amazingly unusual man. This guy is my best friend and my soul mate, he truly is more to me than I can even possibly begin to find the words for. The one thing I can say for certain is that this man can find those buttons to push in a woman that drives her insanely wild. When I tell him that he is the only man for me, I very much mean that. And he knows this. I just don’t like men. Well attraction wise. With the exception of a few very select men but they don’t even hold a candle the the man that I have. But that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate these men and that given the chance, I wouldn’t fuck them silly. Just saying.

I also have an beautiful and amanzingly sweet, loving and smart daughter who is also going through her terrible 2s-3s. My princess will be turning 3 in a matter of a couple of weeks and this blows my fucking mind. For I remember a time when we didn’t have her, yet I also have a hard time remember when she WASN’T here. I look forward to seeing the woman she will become and I have this feeling that so far we aren’t fucking this whole parenting thing up and I know that no matter what she will be a confident, kick ass, give them hell kind of woman. She will be the best parts of my husband and I, and she will also have our strengths so I wouldn’t stand in her way or fuck her over. It wont be pretty.

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My Friendship With Turquiose

*This one is about a relationship with a woman that I had, as I saw it. It isn’t meant to hurt or cause problems, again just reflecting on my end of the relationship.*

A while ago I made friends with this girl, we will call her “Turquoise”. I mean no offense to calling her a girl by the way. Fact of the matter is, I would never cause her harm and would never intend on hurting her feelings.

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The Next Stage: Forgiveness

This really has very little, if anything to do with the subject at hand, but I was working the other day singing the score to one of my favorite movies. “The Last Dragon”. This movie is fucking AWFUL. But, it’s one of those movies that is so awful, it’s great. I went into the bathroom, singing to myself the song about having the glow.

In the stall next to me, I hear, “It’s the POWER of elevation!!!” Clearly someone else knew this movie as well as I.

Footnote, I don’t segue very well. Here I am, working on a talk about Tolkien’s Middle Earth work and the concept of creating new worlds in literature, and I can’t help thinking about a dream I had last night.

My dream was that of my family and I dying in a sordid manner which I won’t recount, because in reality it’s unimportant. What is important, at least for the purposes of this blog post, is the idea of leaving things unsaid and undone. There are a lot of things that I have left unsaid or undone and I don’t really feel well about them. More than that, I feel like I should forgive and move on. I can’t go through life holding grudges. It’s exhausting being vindictive and shitty to people, whether they deserve it or not. I don’t feel like I have the authority to give a shit about a few mistakes.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I still hold those who wronged me and those I love accountable, but that’s not the same thing as holding a grudge. It’s simply that people are incompatible with  my life and I recognize that. As I am so fond of saying, “it’s the ongoing revisionism of being a human being.”

I suppose that I should just come to the point. Blank slate. Tabula rasa for everyone for all the shit from the past. I realize that some people have done more than others, fine. Even for you. That doesn’t mean that we’re cool. But it DOES mean that I forgive you, regardless of whether or not you extend me the same. I simply can’t keep holding resentment in my life anymore. I deserve better than the fruits of negative emotional baggage.

Nothing else really to say today.

Cheers.

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Your/Our So-Called Life

downloadThe other day I was at home, minding my own business when I had what alcoholics would call, “an epiphany”. Most of us go through our daily lives unwilling to admit the totality of the truth, that sooner or later, we die and we don’t take any of our shit with us. We don’t take our cars, we don’t take our loved ones, we don’t take our fucking X-Box and we surely don’t take our in-laws. (Which coincidentally is how I define “hell”.) Let’s put religious metaphysics aside for a second. Pretend for the sake of this argument that we are all completely apathetically agnostic. We neither care about the question of God, nor make any attempts to try and answer the universal question of existence through supernatural means, we simply accept our existence as an axiom.

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Musings of a Selfish Ass

My entire life, I have lived the life of a very selfish and self-centered person. I often wondered what kind of life I would have lived by this time and I have to say, I obviously pictured it differently. I pictured affluence and some kind of notoriety in my field. As of right now I can just say that I don’t really care about the lack of money or “fame”, but I do care that because of me, and a slew of silly decisions I’ve made on behalf of my family, that they are living a life that is unworthy of them. They’re living a life that is less than what they deserve.

Certain things happening as of late have caused me to contemplate the possibility of an abbreviated life, and as anyone who has ever been in a situation that threatens your very existence would know, knowledge of your own mortality is a sobering thought at best. Dying isn’t a big deal to me, I’ve been ready to die for years. Whatever. What bothers me is that while I’m here, I haven’t given everything to my wife and daughter, like a decent husband and father should.

I’m reminded of times where growing up my family was forced to stay in motels because something was happening with our housing situation. I remember thinking some thought to the effect of “Mom and Dad will take care of it.” And they always did. Despite the strained relationship between my family and I later in my life, my mother and father ALWAYS put a roof over my head and made sure I had the things I needed. I never went hungry and I never spent a day without wondering where my toys were.

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